Nine Weeks of Princesses
by Red Witch
Summary: It's been scientifically proved that when it comes to princesses, the Ice King is a moron.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Adventure Time characters is undergoing some tests. Just a little madness from my deranged mind. **

**Nine Weeks Of Princesses**

"Hmmm…" Jake stared at a straw figure in a green dress behind the tree house. It was a scarecrow with red yarn for hair. He picked up a paintbrush and finished making a face.

"How's it going Jake?" Finn walked up to him carrying some costume items.

"It's coming along," Jake used his thumb to look at his work. "I gave her blue eyes this time."

"Nice," Finn nodded. "I got some more stuff we can use," He put the items on the ground.

"Let me see," Jake rummaged through the pile. "No, no, no, definitely not…Oh hey this yellow string looks like a necklace and if I run this pop top through it…" He worked with it and put it around the scarecrow's neck. "There! Just like a princess!"

"And the final most important ingredient for instant princess," Finn took out a small gold crown. "I used some glass stones for the jewels and made it out of cardboard."

"Nice," Jake took the crown. "I think this is some of your best work yet buddy."

"I do believe it is," Finn said proudly. "I bet the Ice King will love this one."

"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Jake said as he put the finishing touches on the scarecrow. The finishing touch was the fake gold crown.

"You gotta admit it does make our jobs easier," Finn nodded. "You did fill her with straw right?"

"She's nice and packed," Jake said.

"Good because I don't want a repeat of the Balloon Princess fiasco last week," Finn groaned.

One week ago…

"Ooh hoo hoo! What do we have here?" The Ice King noticed a figure floating around near his kingdom. It was a balloon figure with a face drawn on and a paper crown on its head. "A princess! And no Finn or Jake anywhere around to stop me from snatching her!"

Of course Finn and Jake were hiding in some bushes nearby. "I think he's falling for it," Jake whispered. Finn motioned to shush him.

"Why hellooooo there lovely princess!" Ice King slided up to her. He wiggled his shaggy white eyebrows suggestively. "Come here often?"

No response. "Oh the shy type," Ice King giggled. "Don't have to be shy with me lovely lady! I am the Ice King! How about a tour of my ice kingdom? I have some really interesting dungeons you might enjoy."

Balloon Princess did not response. "As always, being unresponsive and silent means yes!" Ice King grinned as he grabbed her.

Unfortunately the claws on his hands popped the balloon. "AAAAH! NO! Princess! Speak to me! Speak to me!"

"Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttt t…." The balloon made a loud leaking noise as the rest of it deflated.

"NOOOOOOOOO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL HER! I mean…I found her like this! Yeah, yeah that's the ticket," Ice King gulped nervously. "Wait I think I can still save her! There's this one little part that hasn't popped yet…"

POP!

"I'M A MONSTER! WAAHHHHHHH!" The Ice King wailed as he flew back to his castle, leaving the destroyed princess behind.

Finn and Jake came out from under the bushes. They looked at the Balloon Princess. "I think I just figured out a basic design flaw in this model," Finn told Jake.

"Yeah we're going to have to go back to the drawing board on this one," Jake scratched his head.

"HOWWWW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Ice King was heard howling in grief. Suddenly it began to thunder and snow clouds covered the sky. It started to snow.

"Oh that can't be good," Jake winced as it started to snow harder.

Today…

"The Ice King nearly covered all of Ooo in snow because he was so wracked with guilt," Finn groaned.

"Good thing he forgot all about her the following day," Jake nodded. "But that's not going to happen this time. Scarecrow Princess is a sure hit! Not like Lamp Princess."

Two weeks ago…

"Well helloooooo there beautiful!" The Ice King slid suggestively next towards a lamp with a face drawn on its lampshade and a paper crown on top. It also had a red dress hung on its thin frame. "I haven't seen you in this part of the kingdom? New princess in town? Name's King. Ice King."

The lamp of course said nothing. "Come with me Princess!" The Ice King grabbed the lamp. "How about a kiss?"

SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPP!

"AGHAGBLABGGAHGGAHG!" The Ice King was jolted violently as his lips had touched the light bulb. His beard and hair stood straight out and he fell down on his back. "Uhhhhhhhhh…"

Finn and Jake walked out of the bushes. "How could he get electrocuted by a lamp that wasn't on?" Finn asked.

"It's on, see?" Jake pointed to the bulb.

"Okay another question," Finn blinked. "How is that lamp on when it's not plugged in?"

"Oh it's one of those lamps that runs on batteries," Jake explained.

"Wow….What a woman!" The Ice King's eyes were spinning.

"Next time you should take the batteries out," Finn suggested.

"That might work," Jake admitted. "Is he okay?"

"Blabablabablaba…." The Ice King was still dazed.

"Define 'okay'," Finn looked at the Ice King.

"Ugh he smells like spoiled fried ice cream," Jake winced.

"Yergle, yargle…gargle…" The Ice King lay on the ground twitching with a goofy grin on his face.

And again back to the present…

"The Ice King was lying there twitching for a full day," Finn sighed. "The really sad part is that he tried to kiss her again and he fried himself for another day!"

"Still funny," Jake snickered.

"Jake we don't want to kill the Ice King," Finn said. "Just keep him from doing bad stuff."

"Aw this isn't about Beehive Princess too is it?" Jake asked. "Come on man that was funny!"

"Well yeah but still you kind of went overboard," Finn said.

"Overboard? How did I go overboard?" Jake asked.

Three weeks ago.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Ice King ran around being stung by a cloud of bees. He was carrying a beehive with a crown on it. "OW! OW! OW! GEEZE LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID NO! I MIGHT HAVE LISTENED! PROBABLY NOT! OKAY I WOULDN'T HAVE BUT STILL…OWWW! STOP STINGING ME!"

Once again back to the present.

"Heh, heh! That was funny man," Jake snickered. "I'm glad I got that one on tape!"

"It was still pretty mean," Finn sighed. "I mean I know the Ice King is a jerk sometimes but that doesn't mean we always have to be a jerk to him you know?"

"Yeah I guess it's not his fault he's a complete nut job," Jake admitted. "That crown really froze his brain good. On the other hand it makes it a lot easier to trick him."

"I know. But we still should make an effort," Finn said.

"Hey I am not the one who got lazy with Mailbox Princess!" Jake pointed out. "That was all you! You just coasted on that one man."

Four weeks ago…

"Oooh! A new princess in town!" Ice King approached a red mailbox with some eyes painted on and a crown on top. "Hi Princess! Wanna come to my castle? Princess? Princess?"

The Ice King scratched his head. He opened up the mailbox and stuck his head in. "Hello? Anyone home?"

A few hours later it was dark and the Ice King still had his head stuck in the mailbox.

"HELLO? ARE YOU EVEN A REAL PRINCESS?" The Ice King yelled. "COME ON!"

And again today.

"Okay, okay I admit I donked that one up," Finn pointed. "Still wasn't as bad as Shrubbery Princess."

"Ugh, don't **remind **me about the Shrubbery Princess," Jake groaned. "That was a disaster!"

Five weeks ago…

"I dunno man," Jake set down a small shrubbery in a pot near the Ice Kingdom. "I don't think even the Ice King will fall for this one."

"Of course he will," Finn set a small fake crown on top of the plant. "He bought all the other ones didn't he?"

"True. I guess it's worth a shot," Jake nodded. "Here he comes! Let's hide in the bushes!" The two friends jumped in the bushes nearby to hide.

"Da da da deeee…" Ice King flew by. "Oh what do we have here?" He stopped and landed next to the shrubbery.

"Hellooooo Princess!" Ice King purred as he hugged the shrubbery.

Suddenly the shrubbery sprouted eyes. "Who are you calling princess jerk?" The shrubbery snapped in a very masculine voice. He then began to beat on the Ice King using his leaves.

"OW! OW! SORRY! YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS!" The Ice King apologized.

"Dude! A shrub can't take a nap around here without some nut putting a crown on him and nuzzling me up?" The Shrub snarled as he kept beating the Ice King. "Taste my leaves of pain freak!"

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Ice King howled in pain.

"Ooops," Jake gulped.

"Jake, remind me the next time we do this to make sure the princess we make up isn't alive," Finn told his friend. "Or a guy."

You get the drill by now. It's today again.

"That one was really bad," Jake admitted. "But we had some successes. Remember Video Tape Princess?"

Six weeks ago…

"Ooh! What's this?" Ice King saw a small video tape with a crown on the ground. It had a sign next to it saying: I'm Video Tape Princess! Watch me!

"Okay!" Ice King grabbed it and flew away.

"Well that was a lucky find," Finn poked his head out of the bushes.

"I knew that video tape we found of all those cartoon princesses singing and dancing would come in handy," Jake admitted.

And once again back to the present…

"He was so happy he watched that princess tape for a full week straight," Jake nodded. "Wouldn't even leave his castle."

"Yeah that was a good one," Finn nodded. "Comfy Chair Princess would have been good too if…Well you know?"

"I remember," Finn sighed.

Seven weeks ago…

"Oh what have we here?" Ice King flew by and saw a large green recliner with a face drawn on it and a crown on top. "Ooh you look like a real cutie!"

"He's taking the bait," Jake whispered to Finn. Finn was writing something down on a clipboard in the bushes.

"Good, good…" Finn nodded.

Jake was using some binoculars. "He's sweet talking her. Now he's sitting on her!"

"Well she is a chair princess," Finn told him. "Maybe the Ice King thinks he's being polite?"

Jake made a shrug. Then he looked out "Uh oh…"

"What?" Finn looked out. "Oh…"

"Help! Help!" The recliner's seat had sunk and the Ice King was trapped with his arms and legs waving wildly. "This princess is trying to eat me alive! OW! And now it's biting me! OW!"

RRRIIPP! RIPPP!

Two raccoons jumped out of the armrests and started to bite the Ice King. "OW! Jokes on you guys! I already **have** rabies! HA HA HA!" Ice King cackled. "OW!"

"Jake next time we should really inspect our test subjects before giving them to the Ice King," Finn blinked.

"Don't worry buddy, that won't happen again," Jake said. He took out a video camera and recorded the action.

"Are you taping this for scientific purposes?" Finn asked.

"Yeah, let's call it that," Jake snickered.

And once again back to the present.

"So we had a few bumps in the road but considering our early research how else were we supposed to know the Ice King would be so gullible?" Jake asked.

"Jake it was our early research that **proved** when it comes to princesses, the Ice King is totally gullible!" Finn groaned.

Eight weeks ago…

"All right let's line up the test subjects," Finn looked at a clipboard and started writing some notes. "Now by placing these items near the border of the Ice Kingdom the Ice King is sure to find them sooner or later. Calculator Princess?"

"Check," Jake positioned a calculator on the ground. Then put a paper crown on it.

"Doll Princess?"

"Check," Jake placed a large doll with yellow hair and one eye missing on the ground. It had a pink dress on and a small toy crown on her head.

"Teddy Bear Princess?"

"Check," Jake put down a brown teddy bear in a blue gingham dress, button eyes and a small toy crown on its head.

"Assembly Block Princess?"

"All built and ready," Jake put down a small collection of pink and white building blocks in the shape of a princess. It had a yellow building block on top to make it look like a crown.

"Greeting Card Princess?"

"This one isn't really a princess man," Jake put it down. "It's just a birthday card with a princess on the front. It says have a princess-y day."

"It's all part of the test Jake," Finn told him. "It's important for research. Cactus Princess!"

"All set," Jake stretched out his hands to the bushes. He pulled out and put a large cactus in a pot down. It was wearing a pink dress. Then he put a fake crown on top of it.

"Stapler Princess?"

"Right here," Jake put down a stapler with some toy googly eyes glued to it as well as a little crown. "I think that's all of them."

"Just in time. I think I hear the Ice King," Finn listened. "Let's go hide in those bushes over there."

They hid in the bushes just in time. "Huh what's going on here?" Ice King flew by and landed next to the 'test subjects'. "What is PB having another party and didn't invite me?"

"Well hell-ooooo ladies," Ice King wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at the 'princesses'. "I haven't seen you princesses around before. I get it. This is a get to know you party for new princesses isn't it? Haven't crashed one of these in years."

He noticed the greeting card. "What's this?" He picked it up and read it. "Have a princess-y day. For me? You shouldn't have! I got a card! I got a card!" He laughed and twirled around with glee. "And it's not even my birthday! At least I'm pretty sure it's not my birthday…"

He stopped for a second. "When **is **my birthday? Oh well." He put the card into his beard.

"The card is testing very high," Jake reported to Finn. "And I didn't even sign it."

"Interesting," Finn wrote some notes down.

"Ooh this is some fun party right?" Ice King winked at the 'princesses' and danced around.

He went towards the cactus. "So what are you doing after the party? Nothing? What a coinky-dink! Neither am I!"

He went to put his arm around the cactus. "You know I know a place where the penguins go to slide on their bellies and eat fish all day. How's about it?"

Of course as he put his arm around the cactus he was pricked. "OW! OW! Is that a no?" Ice King blinked.

"Ice King got poked by Cactus Princess," Jake reported. "Now he's begging her to go on a date with him. Now he's trying to kiss her."

"YEOWWWW!"

"And his mouth is full of needles," Jake reported.

"Well that should clue him in to…" Finn began as he wrote down some more notes.

"Wait no, he's going back," Jake told Finn. "He's trying to kiss Cactus Princess again."

"YEOWWWW!"

"And once again the Ice King is going to try for a kiss," Jake reported.

"OWWW!"

"I gotta give the Ice King credit on one thing," Jake said. "He sure is persistent."

"YEEEOWW! OW! COME ON! JUST ONE LITTLE KISS! IT'S NOT GONNA KILL YOU!" Ice King yelled in pain. "EVEN THOUGH IT'S KILLING ME!"

"I gotta bring my camera next time we do this," Jake said.

"YEOW! FINE! I CAN TAKE A HINT!" Ice King snarled. He tried to spit out all the needles in his face and beard. He looked around and saw another princess. "Well hell-oooo there! How about you?"

"And now he's going after Stapler Princess," Jake reported.

"OWWWW!"

"Man how this guy is such a klutz?!" Jake groaned.

"Okay that's it! We're moving this party to my place!" Ice King spat out a staple. He grabbed most of the princesses. "Mine, mine, mine, mine…mine…" He shoved most of them into his beard.

He turned to Cactus Princess. "Except for you! You are definitely **not** on the list!" He started to fly away.

Then he turned around. "Who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you baby!" Ice King said as he grabbed the cactus. "OW! OW! OW! OWW!"

He flew away with the items, still yelling in pain. "Well that was…disturbing," Jake blinked.

"So according to our tests the Ice King will basically go for anything in a crown," Finn said. "Hmm…We still need to do more research on this. Just to make sure the results are conclusive."

"Hey I saw this chair a while back in this trash dump," Jake suggested. "That might make a good princess."

"We'll give it a try," Finn nodded. "Can't be worse than Cactus Princess."

And once again back to the present.

"The research doesn't lie bro," Finn put his hands on his hips.

"Can't argue with the research," Jake admitted. "You know when you came up with this idea I wasn't so sure we'd get any interesting results. But I have to admit bro, you came up with a pretty good idea."

"It just came to me," Finn admitted.

Nine weeks ago…

"Cookie come back here!" Finn yelled as he rode on Jake.

"That's Princess Cookie to you!" The demented male chocolate chip cookie giggled wildly as he ran through the forest. He wore a flower crown on his head.

"Okay Princess Cookie! You have to go back to the Candy Kingdom Mental Hospital!" Jake called out. "Man for a cookie that guy is fast!"

"Never! I am a princess! And I'm never going back! Never!" Cookie laughed wildly. "I'm a princess! A pretty pretty princess! HA HA HA!"

"Princess eh? Whoooooo hoooooooo!" A familiar voice giggled. "Hey-yuuup!"

"Huh?" Cookie gasped as he was grabbed by the Ice King. The Ice King had swooped down and grabbed him and was flying into the sky.

"Aw man this just got weirder didn't it?" Jake groaned.

"I got a princess! I got a princess!" Ice King laughed wildly. "Come my princess! I'll take you to my castle of ice and snow and we can get married! WHOO HAAA HAA!"

"I don't wanna be a princess anymore!" Cookie screamed as he was carried away by the Ice King. "HELP!"

"Man that guy will go for **any** princess won't he?" Jake asked as he and Finn chased after the Ice King.

"Yeah he'll grab anything in a crown," Finn nodded. Then he thought of something. "Anything in a crown huh? Jake I have an idea we can try after we rescue Cookie!"

"Does it have anything to do with bacon?" Jake asked. "I love ideas about bacon!"

"Not exactly," Finn said. "I'll explain after we rescue Cookie."

And back again to the present. Where Finn and Jake were bringing the Scarecrow Princess to the edge of the Ice Kingdom. "Set it right there in the snow," Finn instructed Jake.

"Got it," Jake put the Scarecrow Princess in the snow at the edge of the Ice Kingdom. "I think I see him! Let's go hide in the bushes again!"

They jumped in the bushes just as the Ice King flew by. "Ooh! What a pretty princess! Hey Finn! Jake! You guys did a great job on this one!"

"Wait you **knew**?" Finn poked his head out of the bushes with Jake.

"Well not at first," Ice King admitted. "But then Gunter explained things to me after the Balloon Princess incident. That was a relief. I'm glad I'm not a murderer! At least I'm pretty sure I didn't kill anyone. This century. Definitely didn't kill anyone this century. I think…Do pretend mice made out of sponges count?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that last part and go right to my main question," Finn sighed. "Ice King if you knew this princess is a fake why did you come to get her?"

"What and not have a date for Saturday night?" Ice King gave them a look. He grabbed the Scarecrow Princess and flew away laughing.


End file.
